How to be a Hard core Gamer (Not for the Faint of Heart)

Virtually you need to be a vampire and since vampires are so in nowadays, you’ll have no problem fitting in with the rest of society with your shining pale white skin and ruby red lips(from all the red energy drinks you’ve downed).

For the full effect, apply more black eye shadow to accentuate your all new sexy panda eyes, that’ll make your co-worker jealous of your amazing beauty sense.

If you have trouble staying awake…

You should prepare a giant mug of coffee or tea (whatever you prefer) and make sure to add a generous amount of sugar into your mug. Having a giant mug is more convenient since you can bring it to your gaming station and reach for it from your comfy chair that’ll you’ll be parking your butt in for the next 72 hours(or longer, it depends how much fuel you prepare beforehand and how persistent you are in staying awake. This will require a lot of willpower and training; ask any other senior Hard core gamer for tips and tricks. However they may already too busy gaming to answer your noobie questions.); it will be inconvenient if you have to, gaspget out of your chair to restock for food and drinks!

Also in between you may want to throw in some Red Bull/energy drinks, and eats lots and lots of cake or just sweets in general. This will keep your sugar content high and give you a ton of energy. Make sure to never let the sugar rush crash or else you may fall asleep or go into depression. In the long run you may become diabetic, but that is fine as long as you reach your hard core gaming goals tonight!

Let’s face it; you have no time to enter the real world and establish contact with –shudders- other human beings. It’s best to stay in your dark room in the comfort of you cushiony chair with the soft glow of the monitor caressing your skin.

Going out will not only will it wreck your vampire-like look, you will be extremely susceptible to the harsh UV rays your body has come to forget. You don’t want to be someone’s fried dinner right?

The only time you are allowed to leave your basement is when you:

a)      Need to get more food

b)      Need to get more drinks

c)       Need to get more food (yes this is repeated on purpose.)

When going out be sure to bring an umbrella to stop the UV rays, sunglasses, and garlic to ward off any real vampires. They may be fooled by your appearance and mistake you for one of their kind. You may wish to skip the garlic if you want to get some sexy vampire action…

However keep in mind, as a Hard core gamer you must remember you have:

Really, why spend the time buying gifts, sending love notes to your significant other when you could be gaining reputation for your faction in game by killing monsters and doing quests? Which sounds more fun? Do you want to spend countless hours in the mall trying to search for a gift for your significant other may or may not like? The money could be used in cash shops, your subscription fee, or maybe the rent you haven’t paid in about five months (electricity bills are important, otherwise you will have no computer=no internet=no gaming=fail as a hard core gamer).

Any girls you meet online are probably guys pretending to be girls to get your stuff (G.I.R.L= Guy in Real Life). If they are real girls, they are probably just there to manipulate you to grab all your gold and epics. Avoid the female race at all costs, you don’t have time to spend time on a woman just for a little virtual lap dance (FYI, those boobies pixels are fake).

Washroom breaks are long and unnecessary. Remember all the 2L pop bottles you drank all the Pepsi from? Well it is time to give back to Mother Nature and go green… start reusing your items; grab a bunch of bottles and if you ever need to “go”, and proceed to pee in a bottle. When you‘re done, pop on the cap and throw it to the other corner of your room.

Caution: Make sure the lid is shut tight; you won’t have time to clean up any… “spills”.

(Screenshot from the infamous South Park “Make Love not Warcraft” episode!)

Doing these things about may induce symptoms of nausea, massive headaches, vomiting, leg cramps, hand cramps, dry eyes, nerd raging. stress, burnout, and even possibly death.

But it’s all worth it for your shiny new title, glossy virtual trophies, epic gear, achievements, and killing the final boss to a dungeon before the rest of the casual scrubs.

Good luck on your road to being a hard core gamer!

(Or you can always go for a sex robot.)



PS. I hope none of you took it seriously, at all. If you did, kitty-cat disapproves.