How to be a Hard core Gamer (Not for the Faint of Heart)

Virtually you need to be a vampire and since vampires are so in nowadays, you’ll have no problem fitting in with the rest of society with your shining pale white skin and ruby red lips(from all the red energy drinks you’ve downed).

For the full effect, apply more black eye shadow to accentuate your all new sexy panda eyes, that’ll make your co-worker jealous of your amazing beauty sense.

If you have trouble staying awake…

You should prepare a giant mug of coffee or tea (whatever you prefer) and make sure to add a generous amount of sugar into your mug. Having a giant mug is more convenient since you can bring it to your gaming station and reach for it from your comfy chair that’ll you’ll be parking your butt in for the next 72 hours(or longer, it depends how much fuel you prepare beforehand and how persistent you are in staying awake. This will require a lot of willpower and training; ask any other senior Hard core gamer for tips and tricks. However they may already too busy gaming to answer your noobie questions.); it will be inconvenient if you have to, gaspget out of your chair to restock for food and drinks!

Also in between you may want to throw in some Red Bull/energy drinks, and eats lots and lots of cake or just sweets in general. This will keep your sugar content high and give you a ton of energy. Make sure to never let the sugar rush crash or else you may fall asleep or go into depression. In the long run you may become diabetic, but that is fine as long as you reach your hard core gaming goals tonight!

Let’s face it; you have no time to enter the real world and establish contact with –shudders- other human beings. It’s best to stay in your dark room in the comfort of you cushiony chair with the soft glow of the monitor caressing your skin.

Going out will not only will it wreck your vampire-like look, you will be extremely susceptible to the harsh UV rays your body has come to forget. You don’t want to be someone’s fried dinner right?

The only time you are allowed to leave your basement is when you:

a)      Need to get more food

b)      Need to get more drinks

c)       Need to get more food (yes this is repeated on purpose.)

When going out be sure to bring an umbrella to stop the UV rays, sunglasses, and garlic to ward off any real vampires. They may be fooled by your appearance and mistake you for one of their kind. You may wish to skip the garlic if you want to get some sexy vampire action…

However keep in mind, as a Hard core gamer you must remember you have:

Really, why spend the time buying gifts, sending love notes to your significant other when you could be gaining reputation for your faction in game by killing monsters and doing quests? Which sounds more fun? Do you want to spend countless hours in the mall trying to search for a gift for your significant other may or may not like? The money could be used in cash shops, your subscription fee, or maybe the rent you haven’t paid in about five months (electricity bills are important, otherwise you will have no computer=no internet=no gaming=fail as a hard core gamer).

Any girls you meet online are probably guys pretending to be girls to get your stuff (G.I.R.L= Guy in Real Life). If they are real girls, they are probably just there to manipulate you to grab all your gold and epics. Avoid the female race at all costs, you don’t have time to spend time on a woman just for a little virtual lap dance (FYI, those boobies pixels are fake).

Washroom breaks are long and unnecessary. Remember all the 2L pop bottles you drank all the Pepsi from? Well it is time to give back to Mother Nature and go green… start reusing your items; grab a bunch of bottles and if you ever need to “go”, and proceed to pee in a bottle. When you‘re done, pop on the cap and throw it to the other corner of your room.

Caution: Make sure the lid is shut tight; you won’t have time to clean up any… “spills”.

(Screenshot from the infamous South Park “Make Love not Warcraft” episode!)

Doing these things about may induce symptoms of nausea, massive headaches, vomiting, leg cramps, hand cramps, dry eyes, nerd raging. stress, burnout, and even possibly death.

But it’s all worth it for your shiny new title, glossy virtual trophies, epic gear, achievements, and killing the final boss to a dungeon before the rest of the casual scrubs.

Good luck on your road to being a hard core gamer!

(Or you can always go for a sex robot.)



PS. I hope none of you took it seriously, at all. If you did, kitty-cat disapproves.


World of Warcraft: Battleground Woes (Players you’ll meet)

So for the past few days I have been spending my time smoking PVP crack in WoW… What I mean is that I’ve been addicted to queuing up for Battlegrounds and demolishing (not really) all the Horde (actually not at all, we lost pretty bad) and healing on my Holy Paladin. Of course pugging any sort of Battelgrounds is always brutal since you’re teamed up with unknown bads and if you’re lucky, sometimes you’ll meet a few good players (sadly in different realms).

Although I have had many BG experiences, the past few days I think I have met just about every annoying trait in groups and in players in pugging BG’s, but I believe there is more out there I have yet to discover.

Here is the trend I found in my times spent in BG’s.

The Annoying Battleground Leader


Tip: Bring Aspirin and report spam

Chances of Survival against “The Annoying Battleground Leader”: … Good luck.

The Twink

About this Species: Found in lower levels or twinked at level 60/70. They are always decked out in the shiniest prettiest gear and bling. They’re also usually rogues (from my experience) and they usually can one shot you, especially in really low levels and against clothies. If you live longer than being one-shotted they’ll probably proceed to stun the shit out of you.

Tip: Approach with caution, never face them alone and always stay a good distance away.

Chances of survival against “The Twink”: Really low (unless you’re one too!)

The Tea Bagger

About the Species: They start humping your face after they kill you.

Tips: Don’t die?

Chances of Survival against “The Tea Baggers”: I assume you are already dead if you face these horrendous creatures.

The Rogue

About the species: The stun the living crap out of you.

Although many people QQ about rogues being OP and “stupid” (all sorts of profanity light up in the BG chat if they are killed by one), I find that rogues that can stun me at the right moments and kill me to be a well-played rogue and I accept defeat. However they have a bad habit to sap you while you’re alone on your mount, defending, taunt you as they attack and vanish, and they always seem to target healers and kill them in swift blows.

Chances of Survival against “The Rogue”: If you’re clothie you’re basically screwed one on one (Assuming it is a well-played rogue).

The Spammer/Talk a lots

About the Species: The people that spam BG chat and won’t shut up. It’s more annoying if they have a buddy and they start bouncing off lines on each other in CAPS LOCKS. It may start off as a few friendly lines and may evolve into a vulgar mess.

Tips: Report spam

Chances of Survival against “The Spammers”: Clean your eyes with soap, rinse thoroughly, and take a week of antibiotics and you’ll be fine.

The QQer/The Rage Quit

About the Species: Blames other BG members with their adequate abilities (sometimes true but usually not). They somehow find the time to write a paragraph complaining instead of actually helping and usually do a pretty bad job themselves. Of course there are exceptions (check “The Elitist”) and they are very, very annoying; also many of the tendencies to drop the group in mid-game.

“OMG YOU GUYS SUCK!” tends to be a common line used, add derogatory terms as you please.

Tips: Ignore and don’t complain back, this will only fuel their nerd rage. Leave them to the fit of rage and keyboard smashing, if you’re lucky they’ll break their keyboards and will finally shut up due to the fact they can’t type anymore.

Chances of Survival against the “QQer”: May leave with a headache and minor rashes, wounds will heal as you watch them get smashed by the opposing team.

The Elitist

About the Species: They are good players but sadly they’re complete assholes to the “lesser players” and think they’re all that. They either nerd rage at every mistake or simply ignore reasonable requests from other players because they think other than their own decisions, everyone else’s is stupid.

Tips: /ignore

Chances of Survival against “The Elitist”: May leave with bruised ego

The One that Piss off the Healers aka The Asshole:

About the species: The idiots that make the healers of their team angry for whatever reason. Usually complaining about their bad heals or freaking out if they don’t heal them at the exact right moment or if they don’t follow them around as pocket healers.

(Or saying: “HEAL ME, HEAL ME!!!”, “PLEASE PLX!”, “WHY DUDNT YOU HEALZ ME?” …Does my title say “Your healing bitch?” no, so quit the whining!)

Tips: Healers, blacklist and don’t heal him/her.

Chances of “The One that Piss off the Healers” surviving: Death. (Unless you can heal yourself/The enemy team for some strange miracle reason: never attack you.)

(I have personally met someone that pissed me off. Freaked out for not being there to heal him all the time (sorry but I work for no man! turhur) and proceeded to /spit on me, following me around even as a respawn. All I have to say is GG. Luckily the members of the BG knew it was not my fault and he was being a douche and he received no heals from the other healers. Revenge is sweet indeed.)

The Pessimist:

About the Species: They are always convinced that the team will lose and take no hesitation in announcing it.

Chances of Survival against “The Pessimist”: May induce wrist cutting, otherwise you’ll be fine.

The One that Swears too much

About the Species: Uhmmm… they swear a lot…. that’s about it.

Tips: I hope you’re not allergic to profanity

Chances of Survival against “The One that Swears too much”: Pretty good, especially if you have the Mature Filter on.

The One that Carries the Whole Team (The Burdened Awesome One):

About the Species: They are usually exceptional players and sadly gets put in with all the bads and have to do just about everything from running the flag, killing the EFC, defending and killing all the enemies, and self-heal. If they are lucky they will be accompanied by a diligent healer.

Tips: Good luck to you.

Chances of Survival for “The Burdened Awesome One”: You’ll do great (we need more of you awesome people!)… until you get mobbed by 15 other enemy players.

(You know your team is bad when you’re the healer and you have to run the flag alone because every other player is on mid/dead…)

The Road/Mid Fighter:

About the Species: The people that don’t understand that they need to defend their tower/base/whatever they’re called… and not spend all their time killing players in mid field.

Tips: Tell them to get off the roads and hope for the best

The Chances of Survival with “The Road/Mid Fighter”: You’re doomed to lose if they continue, GG.

The AFKers

About the Species: They buttheads that take up player space in the team, setting their character on follow/staying in graveyards and give the enemies free honour since they don’t fight back. Basically they’re freeloaders and everyone hates them.

Tips: Report AFK

The Chances of Survival with “The AFKers”: Boot them quick, they’re a waste of space, otherwise you’ll do fine.

The People that report people AFK when they are not.

About the Species: People that report people that are NOT AFK for no good reason. It is very annoying and rude.

Tips: Enter combat quick and don’t type /afk.

The Chances of Survival against: Doomed if not dealt with.

The Kids

About this Team: Players that people deem to be between the ages of 10-17, whiny, bad players. They usually play when they have no school so basically any time during the day/during summer, if a team loses they’ll blame “The Kids”. In all actuality these “Kids” can actually be 18+ and be bad players in general. However “kids” seem to have gained bad rep in WoW and will constantly be blamed if something goes wrong.

Chances of Survival with “The Kids”: Low

The Zerg Group

About the Team: Goes around in a huge mob to attack bases, usually doesn’t defend and loses. Or they are too busy attacking one base to even notice they can attack all the other empty 4 bases. To sum it up, Zergs are usually unsuccessful and a stupid idea.

Tips: Don’t Zerg and defend the effing bases/towers.

Chances of Winning with “The Zerg Group”: Low

Lacking Diversity Group:

About the Team: The Group with too much of one class (usually DKs, Paladins or Rogues)

Tips: Nothing you can do about it

Chances of Winning/Surviving with the “Lacking Diversity Group”: It all depends on how well the players play.

The Team that never kills the enemy healers:

About the Team: Somehow the fact that the enemies has someone that constantly heals them back to full health over and over again does not strike them as a problem and think: “Maybe I should kill the healer first, it’s only logical to stop the person that keeps giving full health to the person I’m trying to kill. Well hey maybe I’ll do just that!”

I mean I sure hope it isn’t too hard to understand why the player in front of you is not dying and somehow always has full health.

“Oh hey, is that another guy standing behind him casting healing spells? I couldn’t tell for the past 5 minutes that I’ve been fighting the same guy with.” I’m exaggerating, you probably didn’t last five minutes because they person attacking you has a healer and you don’t.

Tips: I don’t know, you tell me. I’m guessing… kill the Healer first?

Chances of Winning with The Healer Non-Killers: Zero

(For some odd reason the people I fight against never have trouble attacking me first since I’m the healer. And if I politely ask my team to kill the healers first, they get a deer-in-headlights look… horrifying isn’t it? “Healers exist? We have to kill them? What, that cannot be!”… ugh)

The Team that doesn’t defend

About the Team: Team is too stupid to understand how to capture a base/tower and leave 2-3 people to defend/call incs; because if you don’t defend a base the enemy will capture it, and in every game you need the most bases to win to please defend your base. Do you see how defending your base is important now? I hope so because I’m telling you right now defending is really, really important. Oh did I mention that you need to defend your bases?

Tips: I hope the concept of needing to defend the base is not too hard to understand.

Chances of Winning/Survival with “The Team that doesn’t defend”: You’re all doomed. Or you die from frustration… just go and grab a cup of coffee and read a book or something. Spend time away from the internet.

This Class is OP (Overpowered)!

The people are convinced that when they lose to someone they immediately assume their class is OP. There are many factors that contribute to “OP”; their gear for example may be a factor. But you know what makes a class OP? KNOWING HOW TO PLAY YOUR CLASS! If you die it’s because you got pwned due to your own lack of skills, not because you’re against someone with an OP class, accept that for a fact and learn how to play. This may sound very mean and harsh but it’s true. I’ve heard just about every class in a BG be called at OP, so does that make every class OP? “Hunters are OP!” “Rogues are OP because they stun me!” “Priests are OP becuz they haz bubble!”, “Paladins are OP because they bubble!”, “OMG SHAM THREW ME OFF A CLIFF, OP!”, “DRUID RUN FAST, OP!”

(Sorry for my typo! It should be “Knowing”.)

If every class did not have their special ability they won’t be a unique class. I’ve come across players with supposed “OP” classes and still beat them, why? They may be a bad player or a player that is still learning. They can’t automatically WIN because they play a certain class. I admit sometimes as Holy Paladin I can survive a lot of blows thanks to instant heals and bubbles, but if I didn’t time them correctly or know when to use certain heals I’ll still be dead. I came across one on one against a really good warrior that was about to keep me stunned for most of them time leading to my downfall. I’ve met fellow paladins I could easily beat. My class is fun/better not because it’s OP, but because I have learned how to play it and survive and heal with it. When I was an under geared Holy Paladin before hitting Outlands, (Healing gears for specifically Paladins were virtually non-existent; yay for cloth/leather and some mail gear! I had full greens because I didn’t do dungeons) yet I still managed to carve my way into the world of Battlegrounds and received many thanks for my heals. (However my experience was rich, in a sense since I played a lot, but there is still much to learn! I PVP’ed enough to buy myself the Heirloom shoulders before I hit level 60, it’s kind of crazy how addicted I am.) I’ve come across great healers of every class that heal exceptionally and healers that can barely keep a single person alive. Skill, patience, knowledge, courage, confidence, a positive attitude, and having the willingness to learn is OP, not a class, a spell or certain gear.

(There ARE time where I just want to punt somebody off the Lumber Mill cliff)

Now don’t be disheartened because there WILL be players out there that are exceptional to play with. They’re nice/funny and don’t complain. They /dance with you and know how to play their class. The only downfall is they are usually in a different realm, but hey, it helps to know that not all people are bads! There are many good experiences like the awesome triple paladin team I met, scoring a win with a group that was hilarious and competent, meeting someone voluntarily letting me cap the flag for the Ironman achievement (I didn’t even ask!), a group of healers tearing down the opposing team (all heals no DPS!), defending Lumber mill with an Elemental Shaman (Thunderstorm FTW!), and much, much more!

So to those that has been in BGs, what are you experiences, good or bad? Have you met any of the situations/people I have mentioned above? 

Well despite the rant of all of these annoying experiences, I think I’ll queue up for another BG before I turn in tonight…


Onion Head Images

PS: Lol at this “PVP Documentary” kinda sums things up. (It’s also parody of “The Raid”)


Until next time…